one more thing – a whine

My eldest son’s PT evaluation came back.   In the three areas they evaluated stationary skills/balance, object manipulation and motor skills, he performed the way a child a full two years younger would.  To put that in prospective, you  have a group of 100 five year olds and my son’s only going to out perform the child with Cerebral Palsy.


Honestly, I’m not surprised and I’m not bothered by the fact that he is beyond clumsy.  I am bothered by the fact that this is one more thing we have to work on.  Instead of him learning about different dinosaurs or the complexities of baseball, he is just trying to learn how to catch a ball without making a scoop of his arms.    There is only so much time in the day and this is a kid who needs his down time.  I worry about what he’s missing out on and how that’s going to make him further behind down the road.  I worry about how he’s going to deal with the insults and the jokes at his expense  that I know are coming.


I keep telling myself to focus on the little steps he is making.  Relish the fact that he did two perfect goalie kicks and ignore the fact that it took him 10 minutes to be willing to touch the ball and he still doesn’t have a clue what he is supposed to do during the game unless I tell him explicit instructions.  And hey, the physical therapist was impressed how he was able to learn skills when I took their instructions, reworded them and chunked them.


But it means one more thing on our plate.


The worse part is my husband not better.  He’s had a rough two years and he has made living with him nearly unbearable.  I tried so hard to keep it from the people I worked with but I’m terrible at lying and when I was asked again and again, why can’t your husband do this, I would have to say something about how he couldn’t.  People started putting two  and two together and started telling me I should leave him.  I thought he was getting better, I knew he was still drinking a bit but thought that it was getting better.

It’s not.  It was clear last week.  He drinking enormous amounts to my mind, 4 to 5 drinks a day.   He’s having crazy thoughts and while he has somehow managed to avoid the worst that has happened when he was drunk, I don’t have any faith he will be able to continue that.


He’s lying to me.  A lot.


I’m not happy.  I have tried to help him and it hasn’t helped.  He’s not going to get better.  He’s going to keep lying to me.   He’s going to keep drinking.  He’s going to keep having crazy time.   I can’t stop him and I can’t fix him.